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Obama to America's Children, "Hey Kids, You've Got Debt."

Posted: 07 Sep 2009 08:38 PM PDT

(The following is a speech that Obama might have given, if
he were willing to actually be honest with America's
schoolchildren.)

Hey Kids,

This is me. Barack Obama. You
might know me from a lot of magazine covers. Also I helped Spider-Man
fight crime and I keep interrupting American Idol to give speeches that no
one listens to anymore. Well just try turning me off now. That's right,
you can't. Because you're in school, which means you have to listen to
me.

Now because I appeared in comic books and my loyal press corps
keeps taking photos of me with haloes shining around my head, you might
think I'm an imaginary character like Spider-Man or George Washington, but
don't worry, I'm completely real and I'm running the government. Mostly
anyway. Some parts of it Congress runs and the rest is in the hands of my
many Czars, like this week's Czar, LeRoi Muhammad Johnson, Czar of
Children. Yes that's you. Take a bow LeRoi. You all belong to LeRoi now
and he'll be giving you instructions on what to do shortly.

Looking
around at all these classrooms through my array of surveillance cameras, I
notice that most of you came to school, and the ones who didn't will be
getting visits from the Department of Child Services. Which is good.
School is very important. Without school, you can't get a good job. Not
unless you lie a lot and happen to lose all your transcripts, like me.

And guess what kids, you're going to need good jobs, because out
here in D.C. we're spending money like crazy. I mean just yesterday I gave
some factory in Jamaica a billion dollars to make environmentally
efficient rum. How do you make rum environmentally efficient? No one
knows. That's just the way we roll here in D-Town. Next week I'll probably
give them another billion to stop making it because it turned out to be
bad for the environment. But all that money has to come from somewhere,
and you're the only natural resource we still have left. Children.

Right now the national debt is just short of 12 trillion dollars.
Yeah I know. 12 trillion, that is a whole lot of money, isn't it? And all
I did was buy controlling shares in a whole bunch of banks, auto companies
and pay for a staff of cosmeticians to try and make Michelle not look like
she wants to murder everyone in sight. It's a tough job, but somebody's
gotta get paid to do it. And somebody's gotta pay for it, and that
somebody is you, underage taxpayer.

Because your share of that 12
trillion dollars, is 40,000 dollars. But don't get too hung up on the
numbers, because at the rate we're printing money, the actual numbers
won't mean anything for much longer. But the government's still gonna need
that money from you real soon, because we plan to run up the deficit by
another few trillion every year until there's so many zeroes no one can
count them. So my goal here today is to encourage you to get jobs. Like
right now.

I know some of you are just in kindergarten. Others of
you can stand high enough to walk under the table. Still others can
operate heavy machinery. But it's time for you to think about future. That
national debt isn't getting any smaller, and you need to be making down
payments on it. Because Air Force One needs fuel, I need arugula and union
jobs won't save themselves. So it's time for you to think about heading
out into the workforce.

I promised Americans that I would create
millions of jobs, but what with all the high taxes, tons of regulations
and that little economic panic my buddy George S. and the fine folks over
at CBS, ABC and Time Magazine helped to create-- that's proving to be a
little tough. But while I can't create millions of adult jobs, I can still
outsource the child labor of America. Why should the Chinese and the
Malaysians be the only ones to rake in the dough from child labor?
Anything they can do, Chicago can do better.

I won't lie to you, some of you we'll have to sell outright. My
buddy King Abdullah over in Saudi Arabia and his good pal, Sheikh Mohammed
in Dubai, have promised to take you in and pay us whatever you make racing
camels. You kids like racing camels, don't you? It's lots of fun and there
are a lot of openings since all the Indian kids they brought in as camel
jockeys keep dying for some reason. And for equal opportunity's sake,
there will be plenty of positions for you little girls too, to replace all
those Filipino maids who keep escaping into the desert. Who knows, if
you're lucky, some 86 year old Sheikh might marry you too.

There will be great jobs waiting for
the rest of you though. Green jobs. Can you say, Green Jobs, kids? Now
some of you are probably wondering what green jobs are. The answer is
Green Jobs are jobs that are good for the environment. As opposed to bad
Gray Jobs that let people actually earn a living. And boy we have got a
lot of green jobs waiting for you.

Ever wanted to work in a rice
paddy or stop carbon pollution by preventing people from breathing? Or how
about reclaiming trash from landfills for recycling? We need people to do
all that and more. Also we need people to make t-shirts warning us all
that the earth is about to explode. And we need someone to shave the Polar
Bears so they don't get too hot when the North Pole melts. Of course
someone has to carry all the equipment into the jets for the bands touring
the world for Earth Day concerts. And most importantly, we need Eco CEO's
who will create completely useless companies, whose uselessness will
prevent them from polluting the planet. The perks are a seven figure
salary and a chance to get their picture taken with me. The requirement is
sending a whole lot of money to my reelection campaign. Now if that
doesn't turn you green with envy, what will?

But there's more to
the wonderful HOPEANDCHANGEAMERICA(TM) of tomorrow than just shaving polar
bears, trading carbon pollution indulgences and giving me all your money.
No we're a growing nation and amazing things are just around the corner.

For example, do your parents have a car? Their parents probably
bought them their first car when they were only teenagers. But don't
worry, you won't have to deal with any of that. Because by the time I get
done taxing and standardizing the auto industry, the only people who will
be able to afford cars will be politicians and the people who drive them
places. The good news is the cars of tomorrow will get an infinite amount
of miles to the gallon. The bad news is that's because no one will
actually be able to drive them anywhere, once our wonderful union run
carmakers begin complying with the "ZERO MILES PER HOUR"
eco-standard.

And it just gets better from here. Right now you
probably live in your own home. Well that's not environmentally
sustainable. In the future people will live in communal apartments with
multi-generational families sharing a single room for added comfort and
warmth during the long, cold and fuel-less winters.

In the future,
flat TV screens will be flatter, the internet will be accessible for up to
six hours a day, and all your food will come in the form of a government
manufactured and approved pill that will put an end to obesity and
reintroduce Rickets to the American child of the 21st century.

Today we worship in a variety of churches and
synagogues belonging to different faiths and religions. In the future we
will embrace together one all-encompassing faith, the United Church of Me,
in commemoration of the man who taught Americans to stop being so selfish
and greedy, and share their wealth with the less fortunate occupants of
Capitol Hill and their lobbyists. Me.

Right now you're probably all
wondering, who is this guy and why is he being so serious? Don't worry
about it, you'll be serious too when you begin paying out 90 percent of
your salary in taxes while trying to steer a camel down a sand track made
of sand dunes, while a bunch of drunken nomads are shooting at you.

But I would like you to remember the inspirational words of my
chauffeur, "Ask not how Barack Obama can serve you, ask how you can
serve Barack Obama." Someday if you study hard, commit yourself to
learning and graduate from elementary school... you could be in his
place.

The Chinese are calling about their money. Gotta go.

Bye.