from NY to Israel Sultan Reveals
The Stories Behind the News

2012 - A Commemorative Address on the Defeat of the United States
Economy

Posted: 24 Mar 2010 08:51 PM PDT

Comrade Workers, Peasants and Welfare Recipients of
America,

For four long years we have battled the economy, and now I
am pleased to announce that the economy is finally ready to surrender.
Representatives of the economy have met with the party leadership and
signed a preliminary surrender agreement. This means that our prolonged
War on the Economy has been successful, and the complete destruction of
the economy is at hand. And with these newly liberated resources from the
private sector, we believe that it may actually be possible to drive
unemployment down beneath 50 percent.

Throughout the long years of battling against the economy,
there were many who thought that we would not prevail, that an economic
recovery would somehow occur and the American people would be forced to
return to their private sector jobs, instead of spending all day waiting
in the unemployment line. But under the inspired leadership of the party,
the collective organizers engaged in the people's struggle refused to
accept handouts from the capitalist bosses. Instead they remained
dedicated to bringing them to their knees. And they have. The American
Economy is no more.

Nationalized health care. Cap and Trade. Open
Door Immigration. The 80 percent Redistribution Tax. The New Constitution.
Statehood for Mexico. And of course the atomic destruction of Ohio and
Indiana to prevent them from swinging over to the reactionary forces of
the counter-revolution, marked the end of American Capitalism. Today the
American People live better than ever, unchained from the artificial
parameters of the Standard of Living. Over their heads waves the banner of
the party which cares and provides for all party members.

Comrades,
our struggle is still not over. Outposts of capitalism remain active
around the world. Their competitiveness threatens to dampen our
revolutionary spirit.

And we must remain vigilant against outbreaks
of capitalism at home. These infestations can seem innocent at times. Take
the young boy selling homemade lemonade from a wooden crate on his front
lawn. But has that boy paid all his business taxes? Has he provided health
insurance for all his employees. Has he passed his party administered
business ethics exam? Does he provide preferential service to party
members and oppressed peoples? Is he using Comrade Chavez's "Green" corn
syrup, instead of the decadent sugar? We already know the answer to these
questions, because if he were doing all these things, a glass of his
lemonade would cost 50 dollars, not 50 cents.

So while it may seem
harsh of us to seize that boy and transport him behind the frozen chain
link fence of the Al Franken Memorial Reeducation and Obesity Center in
Minnesota, the alternative would be to return to the bad old days when
there were capitalist factories with smokestacks on every corner and
supermarkets with variably priced food in them, instead of our delicious
free Universal Grade Government Gruel. The lesson of the last four years
is that we cannot let capitalism get its foot in the door of our Great
Socialist Homeland. No, Comrades. We must stand strong against their
temptations, because a truly equal society is almost here. A society in
which all party members will be equal, regardless of race, sex or degree
of transvestism.

Comrades, our glorious America today is exactly
the one envisioned by Comrades Washington, Jefferson and Ayers, our great
founding fathers, who created this country, writing, "We hold these
truths to be self-evident, that all progressive party members were endowed
with equal obligations by the party leadership, that among these are
collectivism, equality, and the pursuit of the people's collective
struggle."

And as the great preamble of our New Constitution reads,
"The socialist system of economy and the socialist ownership of the
means and instruments of production firmly established as a result of the
abolition of the capitalist system of economy, the abrogation of private
ownership of the means and instruments of production and the abolition of
the exploitation of man by man, constitute the economic foundation of the
United States" and further, "The land, its natural deposits,
waters, forests, mills, factories, mines, rail, water and air transport,
banks, post, telegraph and telephones, farms as well as municipal
enterprises and the bulk of the dwelling houses in the cities and
industrial localities, are state property, that is, belong to the whole
people." This glorious consolidation of the rights of the people,
under the wise leadership of the Democratic People's Congress has made
America the happiest and freest of nations.

It is in the spirit of
that glorious collectivism that the old capitalist American greenbacks
will be replaced by shining red currency. From this day forward the
American basic economic unit will no longer be the Dollar, but the Debit.
As our annual interest on the national debt has long since surpassed our
gross national product, the Debit is the people's way of repaying the
great debts amassed by the party leadership on their behalf. As there is
no more gold in Fort Knox, our national debt serves as the new basis for
our economy. With each Debit you receive, you take on a greater share of
the national debt and a heavier burden of taxation. Therefore it may truly
be said that in America the rich are the poorest of us
all.

Comrades, many of you cannot even begin to understand how much
effort the Party and its Organizers have put into your welfare. For four
years we have battled the forces of counterrevolutionism in order to usher
in a bright socialist future. And even now when the last of the dissenters
are chipping away at their blocks of ice in the wilds of Alaska, we must
remain vigilant against the plotting of the reactionaries who wish to
restore an oppressive free market economy. To uproot the freedoms we have
fought so hard to impose. To destroy the aspirations of the party and the
glorious collective people's struggle.

Yes there have been
setbacks. We have been forced to withdraw from California and Texas. And
continued occupation of Florida may be untenable. But that is only because
the high morality of the Party has prevented it fighting with the same
ruthlessness as our enemies. We have only used nuclear weapons once in
this conflict against crucial swing states. By contrast the foul bestial
viciousness of our enemies knows no boundaries. They mock our leaders,
lampoon their effigies and draw hurtful cartoons of them. They deride the
Party leadership and subvert our glorious revolutionary
imperative.

Know this though, the Party leadership remains strong.
And the nation is united behind the Party in its determination to bring
peace and freedom to the murderous hordes of the reactionaries who would
take away our free Universal Government Grade Gruel, our wise Death Panels
and the People's Dole, and replace them with chaos, competitiveness and
misery. And so I call upon you to listen to your organizers and to report
any reactionary propaganda to the appropriate White House email address,
as usual.

The War is going gloriously. The defeat
of the economy will make the economy stronger than ever. And the War on
the Economy will be truly won when the War on Employment succeeds in
finally reaches the fabled 60 unemployment percent mark. Something that
has never been accomplished in any country before. Meanwhile the War on
the Harvest is going well, with 98 percent of the harvest successfully
gathered and redistributed to those who need it most, the hardworking
members of the Party. The War on Health is also going well, with the
latest Cholera outbreak in Detroit claiming less than ten thousand lives.
Truly it can be said that everything the Party does, it does
perfectly.

Comrades, as you sip your Government Universal Grade
Gruel through a straw, peering through the windows of your Census mandated
temporary mobile housing unit, and prepare for another hard day of toiling
in the fields or collecting unemployment checks-- you can be confident of
looking forward to another four or four hundred glorious years of the same
thing.

B.H. OBAMA