from NY to Israel Sultan Reveals
The Stories Behind the News

Posted:10 Nov 2009 08:19 PM PST

There are few things that Obama does as well as reading speeches off a
teleprompter, unless it's posing for photos or deficit spending. Here's a
satirical preview of some possible upcoming Obama speeches all united by
one common theme. Him, Himself and He.

On the 40th Anniversary of the Apollo 12 Moon Landing.

"Eight years before the Apollo 12 touched down in
the cold lunar dust, in the hot summer days of the year 1961, a dimwitted
hippie from Kansas and a Kenyan philanderer gave birth to a little boy at
some undisclosed location. That boy was born into a far different America,
an America where no one thought that a little black boy could travel to
the moon, let alone become President. Today America can no longer travel
to the moon, but that little boy sits in the White House... and 40 years
from now when we are celebrating the 40 year anniversary of my presidency,
who is to say which accomplishment will be seen as the greater one? I am.
It's me. Me!"

Statement on the Great California Quake of
2010

"Let's open this up with a shout out to my good buddy Joe
Crowfoot, there in the back row. Joe knows what it's like to party. Okay
back to the earthquake. I've been on record before as being opposed to
earthquakes. In the Senate, I voted for the "Opposition to Earthquakes and
Sexual Predator Empowerment Act" that would have devoted a million dollars
to earthquake prevention by sending convicted sexual predators into
schools to talk to children about earthquake safety. No Republican voted
for that Act. Very few Democrats did as a matter of fact. I was the only
one willing to go out on a limb and take a stand. But the Republicans as
usual didn't care if a lot of little kids die in an earthquake. And today
that is exactly what happened. That's why it's urgent that we pass health
care reform. Because Republicans can't protect you from earthquakes. For
that matter Republicans don't care what happens to you in earthquake. Only
my health care reform plan can stop earthquakes."

Remarks on
the opening of the Amelia Earhart Exhibit at the Museum of Air and
Space

"Like me, Amelia Earhart was a great historic figure.
When Amelia Earhart made her famous 1928 transatlantic flight, few people
believed that she could accomplish that feat. Similarly when I ran for
President, few people besides my billionaire backers believed I could do
it. Sure I had two best selling biographies and a lot of catch phrases,
but like Earhart I had to sit in the back while someone else did the
flying. And even though I was never tragically lost at sea, as Amelia was,
I think that to many people I represent an Amelia Earhart for the 21st
century. An Amelia more representative of a changing America, more open
and willing to listen to other people's experiences and eager to pass
health care reform. A Bill that I truly know Amelia would have approved of
and lobbied for."

Comments During the Visit of the Special
Olympics Basketball Team

"Folks, let's welcome some truly superb athletes
today. These special little guys are athletes with real heart and soul. Of
course they can't sink a basket like I can. In a game between me and their
entire team, I bet I would beat the pants off them. But that's because I
have something special that they don't have. No, not just working legs. I
mean real drive and determination. The same drive and determination that
took me from smoking pot in Hawaii, to smoking pot with Vice-President Joe
Biden in the White House. Even if some tragic accident were to somehow
deprive me of the use of my legs, I bet I would figure out a way to make
them work again. And then I would write a best selling book about it to
teach other people how to do it too. Now that's what real determination
looks like."

Speech on the Extinction of the North American
Gray Wolf

"Once upon a time they hunted the wide prairies and
mountainous regions of North America, fearsome predators, yet devoted and
intelligent animals. Today they are no more. And there is a simple but
tragic reason for that. Poor adaptation skills. I can relate to the Gray
Wolf because gray is a color in between black and white. When I was
growing up as a mixed race teenager in Hawaii with a confused
identity and no real skills besides compulsive lying, I quickly learned to
adapt to any situation. Whether I was mixing with white people or black
people, I quickly learned to blend in, to repress who I really was, in
order to be part of the crowd. That is a skill that the North American
Gray Wolf tragically lacked. And that is why it is extinct today. Had the
Gray Wolf been more like me, Barack Obama, then he too might be sitting in
the White House."

Statement During the Reopening of the
Smithsonian Museum

"I was pleased to be able to appropriate 100
million to the renovation of the Smithsonian, the institution which holds
within its walls so much of our prized and treasured history. To walk the
halls of the Smithsonian is to walk through American history and finally
to stand here in my presence at the culmination of American history. The
history of our nation is the story of our rise from intolerance to
tolerance, and my historic election is the fulfillment of that striving as
embodied in the Declaration of Independence. One might even say that I
make American history meaningful and that America would be a far worse
country without me. Therefore in the spirit of that greatness, I
rededicate this museum to American history, to
myself."

Greetings to the Visiting Delegation from the
Londonderry Church of Satan

"On behalf of myself and Michelle, I want to
extend my heartfelt welcome to the honored delegates from the Londonderry
Church of Satan in Ireland. The Church of Satan is an honorable religious
organization with a long history of promoting fellowship and goodwill
among people who like to dress in dark clothes. Growing up as a fatherless
boy, casting around for male role models, I found Satan to be a compelling
and dramatic figure. Like me he was a community organizer bringing
awareness of injustice to those around him and fighting for change. He
wasn't satisfied with just being in the background, he wanted to have the
top job even though he wasn't qualified for it. I'm sorry that I was never
able to meet Satan in person to tell him what an inspiration he has been
to me."

On the Landing of a UFO on the White House
Lawn

"We are convened here to welcome earth's first visitors
from outer space. This is a tremendously exciting opportunity to encounter
the first lifeforms from another world. And like you, I have a thousand
questions for them. What do they think of me? Have they read my books and
which of them did like better? Do they find me as poised and leaderly as I
find myself? What race are they? Will they be willing to lobby for
universal health care. Of course they would, they're from the universe,
aren't they. Can donations from extraterrestrials be accepted for the
DNCC? Wait, why are they leaving? The aliens must have been too in awe of
me to stay. But never fear citizens of America, our alien visitors may
have departed, but I am still here with you."

Speech at the
Dedication of the Abraham Lincoln/Barack Obama National
Memorial

"Ladies and gentlemen, today is a great day for our
country, as our collective dream has finally come true, and Congress
has agreed to spend the last few dollars the Chinese agreed to lend us, in
order to remember the greatest moment in history, me. Initially there was
a great deal of controversy over the redesign of the Lincoln Memorial to
commemorate my presidency. My initial humble suggestion was to keep the
focus on our second greatest President (after me) by changing the memorial
to depict Abraham Lincoln sitting and reading a copy of my book, "Dreams
From My Father" and being inspired by it. Some historians however pointed
out to me that Lincoln died before 1995, which means he was never able to
read my book. So instead the design of the monument was changed to remove
Lincoln from the seat and instead depict me, reading a copy of Lincoln's
Greatest Speeches.

But there was still something wrong. I had
trouble figuring out what it was, until Michelle pointed it out to me.
There was still too much Lincoln. So the Lincoln Memorial was redesigned
once again to show me reading a copy of my own book, Dreams From My
Father. And so now I give you the new Lincoln, Obama memorial. I am sure
that if Abraham Lincoln were here today, he would have been proud to have
his name on a memorial featuring me."