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Why America Needs Government Health Care Right Now

Posted: 16 Mar 2010 11:43 PM PDT

(Since Daniel Greenfield/Sultan Knish could not post today,
we instead present this article from noted health care reform expert Dr.
Morder Krankenhaus)

Why America Needs
Government Health Care Right Now!

by Dr. Morder
Krankenhaus

America is suffering from a most tragic health care epidemic.
An epidemic that can be tracked to its reliance on an old and inefficient
system of patients paying to see doctors when they get sick. This at a
time when every advanced nation such as Cuba and England, has adopted a
program in which patients pay all the time and there are no doctors to go
to when they get sick. Under this advanced modern system, no one can
possibly complain of unfair access to health care because no one has
access to health care unless they wait for three days while strapped to a
dirty bed in a hospital corridor. Unless they have enough contraband money
to afford a plane ticket to America (tfui).

And now even as many
Americans cannot get affordable health care, because the government is
forcing doctors and insurance companies out of business... many of your
countrymen still refuse the idea of a government health care program. But
what is so terrible about a health care program run to the high standards
of the Post Office and the Department of Housing and Urban Development.
Why the worst that could happen is that all hospitals will be closed on
the weekend and go bankrupt by trying to use patient bills as investment
bonds.

This is part of the natural socialist economic cycle in
which government imposes so many regulations on a service that the average
man cannot afford it, then turns into a monopoly for the benefit of the
people, and then bankrupts it and points at the people and laughs. Yet
somehow these ignorant mobs are opposed to this.

But fortunately
health care is too important to be left to the doctors or the patients.
Why if it was up to them, they would simply exchange payment for
treatment, and that would be it. And what would the government and its
vast echoing chambers of bureaucracy be left to do, except starve in the
streets? Think of it, regulators holding their hats in hand on street
corners. Commissars licking spilled liquor up from the gutters.
Parliamentarians prostituting themselves in doorways. The horror. The
humanity.

Long ago man learned that letting the government do everything
is far more efficient than the so-called free market. Take for example our
average patient in Europe, who is named Mahmoud, has three hundred
children by four different wives (some of whom may also be his cousins),
has no job and spends all day praying at the local mosque. Under the
clumsy inefficient American system, Mahmoud might have to get a job. This
would tragically cut into his time spent cursing America and plotting to
murder the infidels. If Mahmoud were forced to get a job in order to pay
for three hundred pregnancies, he might never have time to show up at
military parades shouting and cursing at Afghan war veterans.

But
under the glorious European system, Mahmoud and all his wives and
offspring will receive a limousine ride to a hospital crawling with
cockroaches the size of Norway rats and Norway rats the size of Mahmoud's
own children. Along the way they will pass numerous Afghan veterans dying
in the gutters as well as happy British transsexuals whose gender
reassignment surgery was paid for by the British taxpayer. After a short
stay in the hospital in which his wives will battle various infections,
orderlies and giant rats, Mahmoud will cheerfully welcome a bouncing
bearded 301'st child, which he will beat to death if it is not a
boy.

This triumph of the British National Health Care system is
made possible because it consists almost entirely of bureaucrats who have
been designated to closely monitor the health and welfare of people who
might possibly want to kill them, all the while making up a string of
random rules to confuse and confound everyone else in order to prevent
them from getting any health care whatsoever. This is because the NHS
cannot possibly both provide health care for everyone and jobs for
numerous bureaucrats whose only actual tasks involve not doing anything
offensive enough to be fired for.

As the progressive field of
government health care marches forward, Britain looks forward to entirely
disposing of any doctors and nurses and simply warehousing patients
indefinitely in locked buildings until they die. Or as people in Latin
America call it, "Cuban Medicine."

Of course my contemporaries in
Washington D.C. inform me that most Americans are pathologically ignorant
swine who spend all day shooting bibles and reading guns. Many of them do
not even believe politicians evolved from apes and that the EU was created
as a result of a giant mysterious explosion in the cosmos. But surely even
they must realize that they have no right to expect to be able to manage
their own affairs. Who do they think they are anyway? The
government.

Health care is too important to be left to the people who need
it or know how to give it. Why otherwise, what's to stop the people from
rising up and forming some sort of new and better union that would not
require paying fees to the Beeb. No my friends, this will not do. Without
government health care, men are nothing more than animals crawling through
the jungle, muck on their faces and no properly filled out forms anywhere
in sight. And then what's next? People making their own decisions about
their care. Families who refuse to pull the plug on their loved ones when
they pass 60. Women saying no to mandatory contraception and abortions.
This madness must stop before it is too late.

Please, listen to me.
Without government health care, who will decide who lives or dies? In the
event of resource shortages, who will decide which patients are less
worthy of life? I picture the chaos and anarchy of a free market health
care system and I shudder. But it is not too late. In the words of one of
your great countrymen, "Government health care today, Government health
care tomorrow, Government health care forever" (or at least until the
system runs out of money, which will probably be tomorrow.)

Dr. Morder Krankenhaus is not a practicing medical doctor, but he does have
numerous degrees in Medical Ethics which he uses to compile his lists of
who should live and who should die. Also a number of people around his
house have disappeared and their whereabouts to this day remain
unknown.