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A Preview Copy of Obama's Cairo Apology to Muslims

Posted: 31 May 2009 08:07 PM PDT

Dear Dar Al Islam,

I am privileged to be speaking to you
today from Cairo's Al Azhar University, the world renowned center of
Islamic scholarship. Once upon a time, Islamic science was the envy of the
world over. Islamic scholars brought knowledge and faith to Europe and
Asia. Informed by their centuries old faith, the greatest minds of Islam
helped transform the world with their wisdom, their belief and their
intellectual curiosity.

All was well until my predecessor, responding to a random act
of man caused disaster on September 11, began a relentless bombing
campaign that devastated the peaceful peoples of Iraq and Afghanistan. We
will never know how much ancient wisdom lies buried in Usama Bin Laden's
Tora Bora fortress of meditation and learning. Or how much knowledge was
lost when US warplanes rained terror and death on the Baghdad offices of
Saddam Hussein's Mukhbarat intelligence service.

Worse than even
this senseless destruction, were the lost possibilities that my country's
rash and hasty actions deprived the world of. I cannot help but think of
the young men of the Taliban who will never have the chance to set foot in
a classroom-- and then blow it up because it is filled with young girls. I
cannot help but wonder what secrets of the universe Saddam's chemical
weapons researchers might not have uncovered, had they not been brutally
tortured and interrogated by American troops in Abu Ghaib.

But worst of all is the sense of alienation that has come between my people
and the American people, between Muslims and non-Muslims, between the
people of Cairo and Iowa, all because we have not truly listened to one
another.

So I have come here with an apology. A great big apology.

I apologize first of all for our rush to judgment in the
aftermath of the man-caused disaster that occurred on September 11. We may
never know for certain who was behind these attacks, whether it was
extremists operating out of Afghanistan and hijacking the good name of
Islam to disguise their links to the CIA, or whether as my hosts have
suggested, it was perhaps the Jews. We will never know.

But no attack, no amount of carnage justifies the unthinking hatred with which
the American people responded to this unfortunate incident. We may never
be able to fully rebuild the trust between our nations, though I hope our
latest offering of billions of dollars in "security assistance" will be
accepted in the degraded spirit in which it was intended.

I apologize on behalf of my nation for these war crimes which we have
committed against you. Furthermore I apologize for the actions of the
previous administration in falsely associating your peaceful faith with
the criminal acts of renegade terrorists. Yes the previous administration
repeatedly insisted that Islam is a religion of peace, and that most
Muslims could not be held accountable for the acts of a small minority.
But this did not go nearly far enough in distancing Muslims from
terrorism.

I also apologize for our support of Israel, a policy
which my administration is doing its best to terminate. I understand
better than anyone else, how vital genocide and ethnic cleansing are to
the Muslim faith, and that by thwarting the heartfelt desire of a billion
Muslims to hold their own Holocaust, my country dealt a severe blow to
your faith. I am truly sorry for that.

I must also apologize for
America's custom of free speech which has often offended the world's
Muslims. Please be assured that my administration is working hard to
ensure that this curious custom never troubles you again. Free speech was
a practice implemented by White Male Deists, at a barbaric time in our
past when it was not yet understood, that true tolerance can only be
maintain through relentless and rigorous censorship.

Finally I apologize for everything about us that offends you.
Our failure to stone women to death for showing their faces in public. Our
ice cream which occasionally has swirls that resemble the name Allah. Our
military where men and women fight to defend America against you. Our
general prosperity, which is something my administration is working to
change. And most of all for our existence.

I am truly and very
deeply sorry that some half a century ago, the founder of your Muslim
Brotherhood came to America, was shocked and revolted by a sock hop, and
decided to declare unending war upon us. I am so sorry about that and I
surrender. There will be no more sock hops from now on. Also no more free
speech. No more cartoons. No more wealth and prosperity. No more military.
No more freedom of religion. No more anything.

From now on I pledge
to help make sure that the next generation of Americans will be poor,
backward, oppressed, ignorant, intolerant and terrified of the
government-- and of course Muslim, just like you.

Thank you for
allowing me to speak before you and bow to your glorious leaders. May
Allah curse America.

Yours humbly

Barack Hussein Obama